Saturday, December 06, 2014

Dear Santa: Gimme!

Oh boy. Is it December already? Seems like just last week I was shaving my legs for the beach. Well, seeing as it is the HOLIDAY SEASON* and for once I actually managed to get the majority of my present shopping in prior to this month, I’ve decide to help you, the loyal reader (Hi Hank!) with some gift ideas. You know, in case you’re too busy being morally outraged by the state of affairs in this country (America, you chumps) to go out and buy your kids the latest video/boardgame/shoe/phone/hippopotamus. 

However, the one-two punch of my laziness and not knowing your specific situation means that I’ve decided to completely half-ass the whole thing. So I’m going to go to the wonderful (and a bit ridiculous) website, and I’m going to let the site randomly pick some items for me to babble on about. And like that…we begin:

1.       Fake Poop-Shaped Bath Soap: $9.99

Wow. Off to a great start here. Still on the first item and it’s soap that’s shaped like shit. Not just any shit though, it’s realistic human poop with little bits of corn in it. For that extra touch of authenticity. Because I know that when I wash my hands, my feces-shaped soap had better be able to also clean up the vomit I will expel from using feces-shaped soap to wash my hands.* If you’re one of those people who buy Christmas presents for people they hate (everybody has done it at least once) or if you’re a sociopathic secret Santa, then this might be right up your alley. And if it is, seek professional help.

2.       Boyfriend Snuggle Pillow: $28.95

I think we’ve all known about these things for a few years now, right? Pillows shaped like things for lonely people are not a new trend. But it’s still a very stupid one. Anyway, this one comes with a half-shirt that you can remove for “easy care.” One shutters to imagine the stains that could occur during the sleeping process. Perhaps the tears of pathetic people really damage certain materials. Know any pathetic women? Give them this pillow… or my phone number.

3.       “Nubrella” Hands Free Umbrella: $59.99

Look at this picture. There’s no possible way to ever use this umbrella while having any self-respect. Looking over this site I really have to wonder who is the target group. It’s either gifts for people you hate (and will certainly hate you once they get these god awful things) or purchases for people who are so incredibly self-unaware that they wouldn’t understand irony if… (Damn, I can’t think of anything.) Luckily for all of us, (or a sad realization for most of us) they are out of stock and none are available. Did they sell out? Was it such a stupid concept that they just burned the prototype in a raging fire? It does not say, but if you do ever see somebody with one of these, punch them in the nose for their own good.

4.       Crib Dribbler: $7.99

I have to say, looking at the picture, this gift is genius. Admit it, aren’t you tired of babies and feeding them? Sure, we all are. It’s a hassle, they’re ungrateful and my nipples haven’t been right for months! But now, with the crib dribbler, you can just set up a feeding tube in the crib, forget the baby and go back to making meth or whatever. But it isn’t until you notice that the price is far too reasonable for such a prison key, that you realize that there’s no such thing as a “Crib Dribbler.” It’s just a box for a fake product that you put your actual gift in. That’s funny! Wait, it’s not funny? Then somebody please tell my father, he’s been doing that gag to us for decades.

And the last item in this freak parade is:

5.       All My Friends Are Dead: $9.95

“It’s never too early to teach your children about the impermanence of life and the pointlessness of all our hopes, dreams and actions.” --Me to all the Sunday School classes I teach. And it’s true. Your kids are going to learn about death from somewhere, be it their favorite cartoons, seeing what happens when Rover finally catches up to that car he’s been chasing, or the ravages of preschool AIDS, why not learn about it from you? This book is very colorful (Probably. Who cares? If you read it right, your children’s eyes will be too full of tears and their minds too distracted by the idea of their own mortality to notice if the drawings are colored in or not.) Nothing says love like robbing your children of their innocence.

Well, that was a pointless little endeavor, wasn’t it? I hope I was able to inspire you and motivate you to throw your hard-earned money away on material goods that will be forgotten about or accidentally broken within weeks. Happy shopping!

*For fun, do a scary music cue in your head while you read that. HOLIDAY SEASON bum, bum bummm.

**That sentence is a Mobius strip of gross.