Monday, July 14, 2014

Where's The Beef?

Alright, I’m a little late to the party, but better late than never, right? It seems that I went in the wrong direction with the whole blogging thing. See, I thought people would be really into reading funny things written by a guy who has both a great imagination and many real-life adventures. But I was mistaken. Turns out that people enjoy reading about and looking at pictures of food. So much so that it’s got its own name: food porn.

So it’s time to stop bringing the funny and time to indulge The Great Unwashed and their narrow-minded, idiotic desires. Considering my background, finances and general laziness, I’ve decided to review different hamburgers, because seriously, who doesn’t enjoy a good, juicy burger? (Jimmy doesn’t, but it’s okay, because he never reads this. We can talk as much shit about him as we want!)  These burgers have been reviewed based on taste, price, looks, ingredients and as a bonus, eatability* after a night of drinking.

1. Big Kahuna Burger, Big Kahuna Burger $$$,

The Big Kahuna Burger is a Hawaiian-themed (duh) burger with obvious island flavors. Instead of the usual lettuce, tomato and onion, it comes with Swiss cheese, bacon and a couple of slices of pineapple. Best if ordered to a juicy mid-rare, this is indeed a tasty burger. If you’re hung over, the flavor combination will definitely restore some vitality. I suggest you add a couple drops of hot sauce to really get things going.

2. Good Burger, Good Burger $ (and a half),

The Good Burger is your basic, typical hamburger, with all the usual “fixins’” but the key thing that sets this burger apart from the rest is its low price and special sauce.
A closely guarded secret, the special sauce seems to have hints of tarragon, oregano, thousand island dressing and Himalayan yak semen (A very distinct flavored semen different from yaks in other parts of the world, so buttery!) Sadly, the sauce alone isn’t enough to make this burger get more two(ish) stars. But if you want to eat one when drunk, you’re better off throwing it against the wall and letting it slide down. It has great heft and is surprisingly aerodynamic.

3. Sympathy for the Deviled Egg Burger, Bob’s Burgers $$

This burger is one of many in a rotating list of burgers this establishment offers. Others include…I don’t know, they weren’t currently available and my eyes were kind of out-of-focus. The burger was okay, but the atmosphere was a bit off-putting, as a young boy, wearing nothing but stained underwear, worked the grill.

4. Double Wimpy Cheeseburger, Wimpy’s ££

For the final burger, I decided to visit our sad, boiled meat-eating friends to the East. So I traveled to England via flying Harry Potter car to try out the Double Wimpy Such-and-such. Wimpy, as we all remember fondly, was the well-dressed bum in the Popeye cartoons who would pan-handle for hamburgers. Offering to pay people back the following Tuesday, but never explaining where he would be getting said money. Very suspicious and I’m not sure anybody fell for it. So how he got his own multi-national fast food chain is confounding.

Anyway, the burger was edible, but the real star of the meal was the chips, which helped to soak up the many room-temperature pints of lager I had imbibed the previous evening at my favorite pub The Rusty Saw & Tender Ankle. The burger wasn’t expensive, but it was offset by the cost of getting over to the UK. If you’re a jet-setter, or a rapper who wants to impress people in their lyrics, then by all means, bottoms up! (That’s what they say over there, right?)

So there, food blog world. Eat some meats based on my excellent and well-crafted reviews of these restaurants. I suffered it all for you. You’re welcome.


*Not a word.

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