Monday, March 31, 2014

This is why it pays to schedule

“Good afternoon and thank you for calling Nefericorps, here for all of your nefarious and diabolical needs. How may we help you today?”

“Uhhh, yes, hello. I was hoping to set up an encounter with the Paladin?”

“Okay sir, we can set that up for you. What is your name and what time frame were you looking at?”

“Ummm, yeah, right. Ummmm, I’m the Distributor, and I’m hoping for a fight downtown next Wednesday?”

“The Distributor? Okay sir, let me just see if we can fit you into the Paladin’s schedule. Hmmmmm……, well sir, it looks like the Paladin’s next available time will be Thursday, June 19th, around, 2:15 am. Does that work for you sir?”

“What? June? But that’s months from now! The tigers and jellyfish will probably be dead by then. Not to mention that the summer city bus schedule hasn’t been released yet!”

“I’m sorry sir, what did you say your name was again sir?”

“The Distributor!”

“I see, and what does that mean?”

“I don’t understand the question.”

“I mean, what’s your angle? What do you ‘distribute’?”

“Death and destruction! Fire and brimstone! Fire and ice! Salt and pepper! Liver and onions! Whatever be your worst nightmare, you fool!”

“Liver and onions? So whatever people fear, you distribute”
“You got it buddy.”

“And exactly how do you ‘distribute’ these fears? Do you carry a bottomless bag? Mental powers? And are things distributed evenly, or do you just kind of wing it? Do you have a set plan that the hero can deduce in order to get ahead of his crimes? Or do you just fly by the seat of your pants? Speaking of which, what kind of crimes do you intend to commit? Even more importantly, have you committed any crimes yet? Are you registered?”

“Registered? I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about. One of my henchmen is in charge of all paperwork, I’ll have to contact HR and get back to you. As for crimes, I like to rob banks, menace the general public, knock over seaside banana-stands and challenge heroes to epic battles!”

“Okay, any aspirations for world domination? Control over reality or perhaps even the universe?”

“Nah. I’ll leave that to villains with ambition. I’ve seen what happens to those guys and it’s not pretty. You’d be surprised at the various shades of guts can come out of one person.”

“Yeah…., I bet. So you’re just a run-of-the-mill villain? So we’re looking at about a Level 3 villain threat?”

“Well, I’m not that lame, I mean, I’ve got powers, I’m not just some goofball in a costume. I’m at least a Level 3.5 or Level 4.”

“Powers? So are you a mutant? Altered human? Alien? Time-traveler? Other? What did you fill out on the application form?”

“Well, I’m not entirely sure about that. I haven’t had a chance to check. Let me do some brainstorming with my crew and I’ll have an origin story for you.”

“You don’t have an origin story yet? Hmmmm, that will cost you Mr. Dispenser. It will work against you for application acceptance.”

“The Distributor, you ninny! Listen you red-tape jack ass, I can make your life miserable with a wave of my wand, or a wave of my hands, or my ray gun, or lasers shooting from my forehead. We haven’t decided yet. Whatever does best in the focus groups. I just want to fight the Paladin!”

“To be frank…. Mr. Distributor, did you say?”

“You know what my damn name is. And if I ever learn yours, I’ll make sure that your skin will be flayed from your bones and I’ll make you eat it!”

“Did I not introduce myself? I’m sorry sir. I should have done that at the beginning of the conversation. I broke protocol. My name is Gene and this call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes.”

“Whatever dude, jut set the encounter up for next week, alright? My plans are pretty precise, very convoluted and the majority of it is based on unbelievable luck for me and incredible stupidity from my enemies. It took me months to plan, and if I can pull it off I’ll look better than Paul Newman and Robert Redford in ‘The Sting’!”

“Well, as I was saying, guy, is that the Paladin has an extremely busy schedule. When he’s not saving the city, the planet, or giving bullies wedgies, he’s out in space, fighting alien menaces and the personification of fear, anger and other elemental and Jungian archetypes. It’s all very stressful and requires his complete attention. In the rare time when he isn’t doing battle, he’s either at his favorite bar, getting super drunk, or getting some tail. He’s a Level 13, and you’re just a Level 3.5 at most, (and that’s being generous). He doesn’t really have time for a low-level villain such as yourself, sir.”

“Come on Gene! There’s got to be something or somebody available next week.”

“Let me check with my co-worker Mr. Brooks. Give me a moment please.
Well, it looks like you’re in luck sir. If you’re willing, Professor Lord will be available next week.”

“Professor Lord? That guy’s a chump. But beggars can’t be choosers. Alright Gene, let me put my scheduler on the phone with you to work out the details. And next time Gene, I swear to all that is a curse and blight across this galaxy, that I will get what I demand and have better service!”

“Thank you Mr. Distributor. I hope that I have been helpful today and met your nefarious needs. Feel free to call Nefericorps at any time for future requirements.”

“But wait! Don’t hang up! I haven’t gotten the details yet!”