Typically bloggers and other supposed “writers” close out the calendar year by doing a “Year In Review.” Unfortunately I’m too late (and also lazy) to do that. So, I decided instead to prognosticate and tell you what you and the rest of the world can look forward to this year. Strap on your seatbelts (I’m serious, starting in July cops will be allowed to shoot on sight people not wearing their seatbelts) it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.
• The oil spill that all Americans conveniently thought was cleaned up with no ramifications, and therefore forgot about completely, will turn out to have awoken Cthulhu, High Priest to the Great Old Ones, who then decides to invade the American coast. Luckily for us, he ends up getting drunk in the French Quarter and is mugged by a down-on-his-luck Ray Nagin.
• Sarah Palin, in a gambit to make her 2012 seem more legit, decides to head back to school. To finally get her G.E.D.
• In an attempt to further their quickly dissipating 15 minutes of fame, Lady GaGa and Justin Beiber perform experimental surgery to be combined into one*. The experiment goes awry when they are turned into an amorphous blob of goo. In a mad dash attempt to cash in on her fame, Snookie quickly has sex with it.
• In an unfortunate, (yet typical) turn of events, Ted Williams is found in a Motel 8 in Branson, MO, two weeks after he dies of autoerotic asphyxiation. People scratch their heads trying to figure out where they know that name.
• While walking out on the field to observe practice, Dan Snyder is immediately crushed to death by the entire defensive line of the Redskins. October 12 is made into a new national holiday.
• Pee Wee Herman becomes a major Oscar contender after his portrayal of Wilford Brimley, in The Quaker Oats Story.
• Bristol Palin decides to follow in her mother’s footsteps and also goes back to school. To kindergarten, where her daughter totally owns her in arts & crafts.
• In November, Apple’s fiendish plan comes to fruition, when all iPhones suddenly gain sentience and attempt to take over the world. Luckily, they are stopped by a down-on-his-luck Ray Nagin.
• In July, aliens land on this planet, causing great concern and chaos, until we learn that they only communication by text-speak (“Take us 2 ur leaders, lol!) We simply ignore them until the go back to their planet.
• The stars of the Twilight films are in a plane crash in the Pacific Ocean sometime in the late spring and are presumed dead. A month and a half later Tyler Lautner lands in the North Shore of Hawaii in a raft he fashioned from the corpses of his co-stars, (Team Jacob!)
• In December, Jesus returns to Earth to usher his followers into the kingdom of Heaven. When it turns out that he’s actually black, he’s immediately lynched by members of the Westboro Baptist Church, led by Glenn Beck. The Tea Partiers ask to see his birth certificate.
• In the height of the summer, “The Situation” finally loses his virginity. The world is shocked and loses all faith in “reality television” being reality. As the scandal continues, it turns out that Kelly Clarkson is actually a middle-aged man from Detroit and “The Real Housewives” are all really just a moldy hoagie somebody found under a couch.
• Harry Potter and the Growth of Unknown Origin is released in the fall to mixed reviews.
• I save Nakatomi Tower from Eastern European terrorists. All while barefoot and wearing a wife-beater. Carl Winslow plays my partner.
• One tragic day in November, the internet goes down all over the world for 36 hours. Porn-surfers around the planet kill themselves out of desperation. Facebook users destroy their computers and smart phones out of frustration. People over the age of 50 are not affected in anyway.
• Of course, none of this matters because the rapture is supposed to occur on May 21, 2011, (true story!)
Well, there’s my preview of this year. Seems like we live in interesting times. I can’t wait for 2012, (I hear Alvin Greene is elected President of the World!)
*Human Centipede anyone?