Thursday, October 21, 2010

I ain’t afraid of no ghosts

It’s that time of year again. The leaves morph from a sea of green to a vibrant ocean of warm, golden colors, only to fall to the ground, leaving the trees bare and skeletal. The temperature goes down and the air becomes crisp and rejuvenating. What better time to dress up like Sarah Palin and go banging on strangers’ front doors for sugary goodness?

That’s right, it’s Halloween time again. The time when people are a little more apt to be scared, a little more willing to believe in portals to the other side, and a little more wary of apples (they could have razor blades in them!*) It’s the scariest time of year folks! (Well, the second scariest time of year, the first being April 15th.)

All the talk of horror movies and ghost stories and the like have got my spooky creative juices going (it’s true, my juices are quite spooky) about what I would do if I were a ghost. Because really, who hasn’t thought about that at least once in their lives (or weekly in some cases).

There are a lot of different options for being a ghost these days. You’re not limited to haunting a rock or something, like our caveman forefathers. Thanks to Japanese horror movies we now have a world of choices! Besides the typical house, building, porta potty, donut and stuffed animal, we can now haunt televisions, VCRs, the Internet and dirty panty vending machines.

With all of those choices out there, it’s tough narrowing down where I would haunt. What’s my over all intention: publicity? Longevity? Abject terror? If I wanted publicity, then I’d haunt some new building that was just completed and still has that “new building smell.” If I were going for longevity, then I’d go for someplace old, like a battlefield or your mom’s house, (though both of those places might already be packed). If I were going for horror and terror, I’d do the most obvious thing: I’d haunt ex-girlfriends.

In fact, a few come to mind right now, (though all of them should be worried!). I’d stick around and mess up any dates they were going on, keep them up all night so work the next day would be torture, and I’d insert my 8 by 10 head shots in random places just to freak them out. Also, if it were an option, I’d enter their dreams and poke around their subconscious. I’d be a straight life-ruiner!

The only problem with that scenario is that once they die, I’ll be out of a gig and I’d have to find somebody else to haunt. And they might get pissed and come after me. Can ghosts kick other ghosts in their ethereal junk?

I think haunting my childhood home would be fun. I could do random raps and knocks on walls, open and close windows and doors and maybe even find that Princess Leia action figure I buried in the backyard when I was a kid, (why not? I’ll have all eternity!)

Maybe I could switch it up and do a little human possession or something. Then I could turn on the tv when nobody’s around and maybe make myself a cocktail or two. Then, I’d become intangible and depart the body without worrying about a hangover. Sweet deal.

Of course, eventually all buildings crumble, all man made things suffer the ravages of time, to become no more. So maybe I should haunt an actual geographical location instead of a building. A field, or a meadow? Perhaps a copse or a pasture. Maybe a tundra, or a steppe, or plain, prairie or expanse. Are bodies of water even an option? I wouldn’t have to worry about holding my breath, but I doubt I’d get much enjoyment out of scaring fish and frogs.

Speaking of which, just what the hell do ghosts do when they’re not frightening people? Do they nap? Read books? Catch up on the latest gossip from the Underworld? It seems like being a ghost would involve a lot of downtime, which would get really boring. I would try to learn another language, that way I could haunt in foreign, far off lands in case I felt like traveling. Another option would be learning magic tricks. A bit redundant since I’m a ghost and all, but it’d be a great way to impress the lady ghosts. Do ghosts date? So many questions.

Luckily, I have about 390 years before I have to worry about any of that (I eat my vegetables) so I’ve got time to spare. Sometimes though, I wish I were dead right now so I could just go haunt the female locker room at the closest college. Peek-a-boo!

*Though, to be honest, I don’t think that’s ever actually happened. I mean, whether there’s a razor blade inside or not, what kid in their right mind would actually accept an apple as part of their loot?