Is anybody out there? Hello? Probs not. But that's alright.
So, what's new? Yeah, it's been awhile, but, like any quality narcotic (or episode of Adventure Time) one keeps coming back to what they love.
So anyway, give me some topics to write about. I want to write something funny for you! Help me out. Shoes? The color purple? Relevant and vital socio-economic issues? Anything for you baby!
Hey, what's up with that oil spill? Does God hate Louisiana, or what? What a jerk! The worst part is that with all of our technology and ridiculously huge imaginations, we have no idea how to fix it. That's tantamount to the old question of "Can God create a rock so big that he can't lift it?" Except this time its "Can humanity create a technology we can't control?" Didn't that cautionary tale about our problems with SKYNET teach us nothing? Or that time we created those robots who forced us to live in The Matrix? My favorite part is how the people who run Virginia are like, "what gigantic oil leak in the gulf? I want off-shore drilling in my backyard RIGHT NOW!!" Then again, they did also declare last month to be Confederacy Appreciation Month, so we already know they're geniuses.
Of course, because of the oil spill, seafood prices around the country are going through the roof (except for in land-locked states where their seafood suppliers were shifty in the first place). I feel sorry for all the seafood lovers out there. The next time you go to Red Lobster, or Captain D's, Or Joe's Crab Shack, or Bubba's House of Stuff I Caught in the Creek Over Behind the Outhouse, you're gonna have to pay out the ass for just one shrimp! My recommendation? Sell one of your kids on the White Slave Market. I hear kids under 12 fetch good prices these days (Lawrence Taylor clued me in on that).
As for me, never has my seafood allergies been more useful! Other than the severe environmental damage done to our planet, this stupid catastrophe doesn't affect me at all! I get to walk into Long John Silver's and laugh and laugh to my heart's content as the rest of you form one of those early 1990s breadlines that were all the rage in Russia. So, good luck with that.
Well, that was a nice little exercise in Eighty-Four Glyding. I'm a little rusty, true, but I'll be back in top form in no time. Full of laffs, wackiness, allusions to potential alcohol dependency and addiction to cartoons! Won't that be grand? Good times...good times.