As a member of the Great Unemployed, life can get boring from time to time. If I don’t add zest to the humdrum of everyday life, I’ll end up sitting on the couch, my appendages atrophied from lack of use (except for my left hand, of course*). So I try to be as active as a lazy, good-for-nothing can be. You won’t see me going on power walks around the neighborhood or anything, but if you’re lucky, you might catch me hoofing it over to the KFC across the street, (because it’s a well-known fact that a 75-yard walk cancels out calorie-laden, grease-soaked fast “food”).
On Thursdays I head to downtown D.C. to spend a few hours taking in the historic culture of one of our fine local museums. Unfortunately, if I spend too much time at the museums I tend to run into yapping American tourists, screeching school field trips and for some reason, Mennonites. Sadly, the myriad museum-goers spark a conflagration in my soul which causes me to rush home to watch Falling Down, lest I wig out in public and am brought down my a phalanx of police officers.
Sometimes I come up with fun activities for me to do around the apartment, like napping up to three times a day, doing the dishes, or napping on the dishes, (it’s great for the lower lumbar region).
Considering how many other pathetic, jobless wretches are out there these days, I thought that it’d be a good idea to share a list of ideas of things people can do during the workday when everybody is busy being productive and bringing home paychecks, (the suckers!). This list has all types of fun and time-wasting activities to get you through the drudgery of the day-to-day. Try some out, or make up your own!
1. Rearrange the furniture in your abode so that everything is against one wall. If you live with one or more people who work, then subtlety shift everything 25 degrees to the right instead.
2. Spend the whole day without using the letter E.
3. Go to grocery stores and do all of your shopping from other people’s carts when they’re not paying attention. Abandon your shopping cart anywhere and walk out.
4. Whenever anybody asks you a question smile and just nod, or shake your head. Even if it isn’t a yes/no question.
5. Write the script for the perfect 80s music video. Be sure to include bad hairstyles, hideous clothes and fog machines.
6. Pick a random person from the internet and stalk them. But only for 25 minutes. Pick a new person each hour.
7. Go on Craigslist and put up an ad for a DeLorian that only goes 87 mph.
8. Walk backwards the entire day.
9. Splice together the genes of a squirrel, a roach and a pigeon, creating an unholy fusion of the most annoying urban pest the world has ever seen!
10. Perform your own radio show through the vents of your apartment building. Use sound effects.
11. Call the Butterball Turkey Hotline and tell them that you’re lonely. (Or, call them and tell them that you either got an appendage stuck in the turkey, or the turkey stuck in an orifice, whichever is more funny.)
12. Make a Youtube video showing the world your Sasha Fierce lip-syncing/dance moves.
13. Go to MacDonalds and stand in line. Whenever they ask for your order, tell them you’ve never heard of this restaurant and you’re still studying the menu. Make a big deal of calling somebody to tell them of the wonderful discovery you’ve made.
14. Create a treasure map to a hidden stash of Lucky Charms, (or, Count Chocula, if you’re so inclined.)
15. Make up your own language, speak only in that language for a whole day. Be sure to go out in public.
16. Go fishing in your bathtub.
17. Write an unfunny blog.
*And not for the reason you’re thinking either! It’s my remote hand!)