Saturday, December 13, 2008

Villainous Ne’re Do Wells

Due to contractual obligations with being a member of the upcoming presidential cabinet, Dr. Gooch will be unable to participate in any Eighty-Four Glyde entries for the next couple of months. In the meantime, I’ve asked my other Glyde contributor, Sir S.G. Thuggish Killington III, Esq. to help me with today’s entry.
With the recent release of the new James Bond movie: Quantum of Solace, we’ve decided to track down and interview some of the best, old Bond villains to see what they’re up to these days. So, without further ado, Here’s the esteemed Sir Killington and his interviews.

Killington: Salutations. We’re joined here today by a great member of the Bond Gallery of Rogues. He was the only villain to appear in more than one movie and was an excellent foil to 007.
Mr. Jaws, thank you for joining us today.
Jaws: Mmmphhirg.
Killington: I’m sorry, what? It’s hard to understand you.
Jaws: Shorry, itsh shometimes hard to talk wif deesh teef I’ve got.
Killington: Yes. Tell us about your teeth. They are quite a defining characteristic. Why did you choose them?
Jaws: Well, assh you know, I have titanium teef. I felt that deesh teef would be a great ashet to my career aash a goon. Before I had deesh, I was jusht a lowly thug on the totem poll. My only defining feachur wash that I wash really, really tall. Wif the new teef I wash able to update my resshume, wif shuch shkillsh assh: cable-bitter, bullet-chewer, flesh-ripper, and of coursh pershonal mirror for any criminal geniush in a hurry.
Killington: Fascinating. So tell us, Mr. Jaws, what have you been up to since your days as a badguy?
Jaws: Ironically enough, I’ve become a dental shpecialisht. I shpecializsh in dental work for children wif bad teef. I’ve alsho had quite a lucrative shide-job making grillsh for rappersh.
Killington: Thank you Mr. Jaws for that insightful look into your life.

Killington: Next I was able to sit down for a short time with the original Bond villain. The one by which all other Bond Second-Bananas were judged.
Oddjob, tell us what you have been up to these last 30 or 40 years.
Oddjob: (Annoyed grunt)
Killington: Really? And how has that been treating you?
Oddjob: (grunt)
Killington: And what lies in store in Oddjob’s future? What’s next for you?
Oddjob: (Very annoyed grunt)
Killington: It’s truly been an honor talking to you sir. Thank you.

Killington: Imagine my surprise when my next guest agreed to my interview. I’ve long been a fan of this particular Bond villain since I was but a wee Killington, and I was excited to be involved with this.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mayday!
So Mayday, as the first major female Bond villain, how did you feel blazing a trail for the evil bitches who followed you, such as that Russian temptress Xenia Onatop?
Mayday: Well, Killington, I thank you for the praise, but there were actually a few villainesses before me, such as Pussy Galore and Octopussy. These women gave me the inspiration to join up with the forces of evil.
Killington: True, true, but they all ended up as Bond’s lovers and eventually his allies.
Mayday: If you recall Killington, I too shared James’ bed.
Killington: …That’s right….I guess I had blocked that part out.
Mayday: It was a wonderful, and memorable, evening. Up till then I had just been the concubine of the evil genius industrialist Max Zorin. But after that night with James, I had changed from a six-foot-three, short-haired, androgynous, ebony villainess with jungle fever to a six-foot-three, short-haired, androgynous, ebony villainess with jungle fever who cared about the fate of the Silicon Valley.
Killington: Yikes. Okay. Well, what have you been up to since your supposed death at Bond’s hands?
Mayday: I’ve been keeping very busy! I’ve spread my wings and discovered the joys of being a professional call girl for Japanese businessmen in California.
Killington: Really?
Mayday: You’d be surprised how many Asian men have a fetish for tall, scary-looking black women with eyes that bug out.
Killington: Yes….Yes I would.

Those are all the interviews I have space for this time. I look forward to sharing some more of my interviews with Baron Samedi, Tee-Hee, Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint and many more, when the next James Bond movie is released.
Sir Digby Chicken Caesar was unavailable for comment.

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