Sunday, September 07, 2008

Men, wake up! Hot lesbians = bad!

I’m tired of this attitude that is so prevalent among dudes in this day and age. And that attitude is that hot lesbians are good. This is a fallacy, one that confuses me and just highlights the stupidity of men as a gender. Let me break it down.

If you’re a chick, turn to the closest guy* and simply say “two hot chicks making out.” He’ll instantly break into a grin and you’ll be able to hear the rusty wheels of thought in his head, as they squeakily begin to turn. Like J.D. from Scrubs, he’s off in some fantasy world that involves said two hot chicks and probably some jell-o or a video camera.

If you’re a dude, then I’m sure the above phrase in quotes gave you at least a semi-chubby. But the question is: why?

I ask because I don’t get the whole concept. Lesbians are women. Women who like other women. If you have a penis, you’re not even part of the equation. If I run across two hot lesbians making out, I’m not going to saunter up to them like I’ll convince them to get a Joshua sandwich going on. It just wouldn’t happen. If, on the other hand, they’re bisexual, well, that’s a different story altogether.

Speaking of which, bisexual people, male or female, are just greedy. Just pick a gender and stick with it! And don’t even get me started on bi-curious. Bi-curious chicks deserve to get pus-filled herpes sores on their lips!

So, let me set the record straight. Hot lesbians are bad. Why are they bad? It’s simple. Every hot lesbian out there is one less hot straight chick for me, (I don’t mind ugly lesbians in the slightest.) I’m terrible with women, I need all the hot women out there I can get. It’s a numbers game. The more women out there means that eventually I’ll run across one who doesn’t look at me like I’m a diseased moose when I try to stick my tongue in her mouth.

On the other hand, hot gay dudes are great! Figured out why yet? Every hot gay guy there is takes himself out of the running, leaving more chicks for me. That’s so nice of them. I make sure to honor hot gay guys with an appreciation day once a year, (I buy them all new cutoff jean shorts.)

You’re probably wondering what caused this lame-ass rant. It’s that god-awful Katy Perry song: I kissed a girl. I hate that song! I hope she spends the rest of her miserable, has-been life (because trust me, she’s going to be a has-been very soon) lamenting the fact that she made a song that was popular only because she talked about kissing another chick. That’s it. She knew she could make a few easy bucks by talking about some pseudo-lesbian experience. And don’t tell me she’s opening doors for other women, or being progressive or bullshit like that, cause if she is, then the guys behind Girls Gone Wild, are groundbreakers in the field of women’s lib.

In a few months, when everybody’s forgotten about her stupid song, Katy Perry will be on a street corner, selling her withered, hideous body for crack, too forgotten by people to even get onto The Surreal Life, or whatever other VH1 reality show gives pathetic has-beens a second chance at stardom. The chick isn’t even hot! She’s just riding the wave of her song, because guys are stupid enough to hear it and think that they’re gonna get some action or something. I’m still not too sure about the reasoning behind it. I dunno. It just frustrates the hell out of me that everybody’s being manipulated and we’re all too stupid to realize it.

Of course, hot lesbians in pornos are exempt from all this. They live all the way in LA and are too far away for me to bone anyway. Praise be to lesbians in pornos!

*Closest straight guy


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Joshua said...

I really got this one wrong. But I still feel the same way about hot lesbians. Katy Perry did totally cash in on it for a chick who is religious