On the advice of a certain Eighty-Four Glyde reader who thinks I rely on the Associated Press too much for news stories, I’ve decided to find a couple of fresh-off-the-presses news stories from other sources. I also went international! I hope you’re happy you bunch of whiney complainers!
The first story was discovered on My Way News and occurred in the land of Badonkadonks itself, Brazil.
Eighteen-month-old Caua Felipe Massaneiro, possibly in an attempt to escape his awkward name, fell out of a third floor window. Don’t worry though! He lived. If you call being in Sao Paulo living, that is.
Here’s what happened: cute little pudgy baby Caua (and that’s pronounced how exactly?) was on his way to a messy, splattered death on the concrete 30 feet below the apartment he lived in when, like some kind of Loony Tunes cartoon, a spike protruding from the wall (where does this kid live, a medieval castle?) snagged his diaper, momentarily stopping his fatal plunge. And in case you were wondering, I’m sure that even if the diaper wasn’t full when he started the fall, it was by the time the spike caught him.
According to the story: the boy dangled from the spike for a moment, then "the diaper opened and the baby fell to the ground, but at a much slower speed," a police officer said. "The diaper obviously lessened the impact of the fall and saved the baby's life."
"It was a miracle," said the officer who declined to be identified because she was not authorized to speak to the press. "He could also have been killed by one of the spikes."
No shit Sherlock.
I don’t care how much slower the kid’s speed was, the fall had to hurt and it probably hurt a lot more cause he was naked and without the benefit of the extra padding of the diaper.
Of course, if there were any ironic justice in the world, the diaper would have then fallen off the spike and landed on little Caua’s head. That’d have been priceless!
You’re probably wondering where the parents were during all this, and how the kid managed to be on the wrong side of the window. Well, I’ll tell you.
The Folha de S. Paulo newspaper (also known as the Onion Booty Times) quoted Caua's father, 23-year-old Alexandre Cesar Massaneiro as saying that his son climbed onto a sofa underneath the window he fell from - "something he had never done before."
The kid had never done what before, fallen out of the apartment window? And how does climbing onto a couch under a window equate to falling out of said window? I’m not understanding the physics there. Was Alexandre the Genius just watching, in stupefied amazement, as his son climbed onto the couch?
This is why I advocate that all new parents be forced to attend a class on common sense, where they’ll learn: to never bring their loud, annoying brats to the movies, to hit their kids in public before a complete stranger does it for them (and much harder) and to keep their infants from falling out of windows.
The second story comes to us from Stockholm by way of Agence France Presse. And it makes me wonder about the future of humanity.
On Tuesday, a 78-year-old woman decided to hop a flight from Stockholm to Germany (to replenish her scheisser porn collection no doubt). Yet the intricacies of technology short-circuited her elderly, feeble mind and almost made her miss her flight.
Get this. “Misunderstanding instructions” the lady, (who’s never identified by name, probably to keep from getting emails from people congratulating her with FAIL pictures) got onto a luggage belt, instead of putting her bags on there like a normal person. That bitch has been watching too many Jetsons reruns. Perhaps, to her, the world has become a futuristic wonderland since her childhood in rural Sweden, and riding on luggage belts makes perfect sense. I honestly have no idea what she was thinking.
According to the story, Grandma Dumbass was “whisked down a baggage chute,” which means that she saw that the belt went down into the very bowels of the airport and decided to jump on anyway. Really, did she not see all the other luggage that was riding the belt with her? Did she wonder why everybody else was walking along well-lit hallways like they’re supposed to, while she was taking the express route to nowhere? I wonder how soon into her journey she realized her mistake. If at all.
You probably think I’m being unfair to this lady, but I disagree. After all, the story doesn’t mention anything about mental retardation or some other ailment old people suffer that would account for her actions. Nope, she’s just a regular person, only more intensely stupid. It’s not like you see 82-year-old comedian Jerry Lewis trying to go through airport security with a gun in his bag…..oh wait.
Those are the stories this week. Embrace them. Bring them into your life and into your home. Share a hot meal with them. Give them a back massage; they’ve had a hard week. Then, when next Sunday comes, get ready for more hilarity and examples of the depth of human stupidity.