Sunday, August 24, 2008

Hot sheets: The key is to avoid the police and I’m glad I’m allergic to fish

Another Sunday is upon us and that means another edition of the Eighty-Four Glyde Hot Sheets is upon us as well. It’s time to expand your mind with some of the most ridiculous news stories out there this week.

I should be paying the Associated Press some kind of royalty. It’s just shocking how many retarded stories they come out with every day. My mind is blown.

This first story makes you wonder if the jails in Indiana are just the most kick ass places ever. How else could you explain the actions of Darren E. (the E is short for Erratic Behavior) Roberts?

The AP reports Darren was released from the Sullivan County Jail Tuesday afternoon after finishing his stretch (I like using that Big House lingo) for auto theft.
Not content with being a free man, able to take a shower without getting corn-holed, Darren decided to steal a 2004 Ford Mustang, (that’s a car for people not in the know) and made his way to a gas station in Cloverdale where he stole some beer, (probably Natural Light, or some crap like that) and fled.

Darren then led the police on a high-speed chase, (reaching such high speeds as 105 MPH!) on some backwoods interstate, before spinning out and surrendering.

The police then had a hearty laugh at Darren’s stupid ass and hauled him off to the Putnam County Jail, where he’s being held on a bunch of random charges.

I am very curious as to what was going through Darren’s mind when he decided to steal a car and lead the cops on a car chase, less than 24 hours after being released from jail. I bet it went a little something like this:

“Gee, I sure do miss the warm embrace of my cellmate Nasty Nate. I need to see him again and share in some delicious toilet wine!”

I dunno, maybe Wednesday was meatloaf night and he didn’t want to miss it.
Speaking of eating, this week’s second story is a culinary treat for you to enjoy, straight from the kitchens of the Associated Press.

Anthony Franz filed a lawsuit Monday against Shaw’s Crab House, in Chicago. In his lawsuit, he stated that he ordered a salmon salad for lunch in 2006, which was undercooked and made him violently ill. He later passed a giant parasite. How giant you ask? Nine feet long!!

Franz and his lawyer Hanz (not really, but wouldn’t that be a neat coincidence?) are suing Shaw’s and its parent company, Lettuce Entertain You Enterprises, for $100,000, for selling him that undercooked fish. Personally, I’d sue them for having such a stupid cutesy name. Same goes for the place Super Salad (get it? Soup or Salad).

But the vice president of Lettuce Entertain You, Carrol Symank, said that the tape worm wasn’t theirs.

"We have done a thorough investigation and we're confident the restaurant is not the source," he said.

That’s right, he’s a dude named Carrol. I would never trust a thing this guy said.

I’ve never had a parasite, (except, maybe for a couple of girlfriends. Ha!) but I’m strangely curious, in a hesitant way, as to how this gentleman “passed” this worm. Was he walking down the street and saw the worm sitting in a doorway begging for change?

Seriously though, I’m completely unfamiliar as to how tape worms work. How do they come out of the body? Is it the way I think it is? Is it… anus related? Or is it through the nose or mouth? Any orifice it comes out of though, has got to hurt. Say it’s exiting through your poop chute. Do you just sit there, cheeks a flexin’, and try to push it out? Do you wait until you’ve got enough to grab, then pull it out? What if it breaks? God this is all so gross. I could probably look this stuff up online, and find some pictures as well, but I’m not motivated enough and I’m not so sure I really want any answers.

Going to court should be interesting for Franz though. I bet I know what exhibit A will be!

The news, the news. It never fails to entertain. I always feel more informed after writing one of these Hot Sheets. And I just bet you feel more informed after reading them, don’t you?

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