First and foremost, Eighty-Four Glyde is here to inform (betcha didn’t know that!). To that end, I’m introducing a new feature, to educate the Great Unwashed, with those news stories you may not have noticed while you were celebrating R. Kelly’s acquittal or lamenting the rising gas prices.
Our first story comes from the June 10th, United Press International.
It seems that a guy from Kansas (the state where a woman sat on a toilet seat for so long that her ass fused to it. Unsavory) managed to shoot himself in the head with a nail gun while building a lattice with his friend.
I know what your first question is: What the hell is a lattice? That’s easy; a lattice is one of those things that people always used to escape from their second story bedroom windows in movies from the 80s.
I bet your second question is if they were drunk. My answer is probably, but the article doesn’t say.
So what had happened was that while George Chandler (“Could I be any more irresponsible?”) and friend were attempting to build this thing, the hose to the nail gun became entangled, (How? In what?) and caused the gun to fire a nail into Chandler’s head. It took the Bob Villa wannabes a while to find it though. Wanna know how Chandler thought it felt?
"It was just like a maybe like a sting, bite or something, you know," Chandler said.
Truly, a master of the English language.
So they wandered their way to the hospital, where Dr. Nick, apparently, took control of everything.
"'Does anybody have a hammer, a claw hammer.' I thought he was teasing at first, but then he says, 'No. It went in like that. We can pull it out like that,'" Chandler said.
You should see what happens when he tries to build a birdhouse!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Well, according to a June 10th article by the Associated Press, it’s because he declared a jihad on the people of Simsbury Connecticut.
People driving on some road in Conn., (the article doesn’t specify, so maybe there’s only one road in the state) saw a “raw roasting chicken” on the roadside. In some kind of twisted Wolfgang Puck move, the chicken was stuffed with a pipe bomb!
The cops still don’t know who stuffed a raw chicken with a pipe bomb, or why, (possibly they thought somebody from Perdue would drive by and take the chicken back to the company headquarters or something) but there’s one thing we do know: the road was then closed while the Hartford bomb squad came and blew up the chicken. Thereby spreading chicken pieces across the Nutmeg State.
Now, if they had blown up a basket of potatoes, carrots, herbs and spices, the woodland creatures would have had a complete and delicious meal!
Tune in next week for new and enlightening stories that the mainstream media (Motto: 7% news and 93% opinion, just the way we think you want it) didn’t think were important enough to share with you. But I know better.