The interweb is a great thing. Without it I’d never be able to buy the copious amounts of Japanese porn that I love so much. Not to mention all that great Viagra and Prozac I’m getting. And without the Internet, I’d never have been able to increase my penis size by four inches in two weeks (total length: 4.5 inches. I feel like Ron Jeremy now!)
So it hurts me when people forget the initial reason Al Gore invented the Internet: the gathering and storing of information, (at least, I figure that’s why he invented it. I mean, that’s the “Green” thing to do right? Now, instead of cutting down trees for paper, we’re just running up huge electricity bills. Sounds good to me!) Anyway, the Internet is a place to go for information. Remember those commercials for Encyclopedia Britannica? (I’m sure that nobody born since the creation of Hypercolor tee shirts has any idea what an encyclopedia is, let alone the Encyclopedia Britannica) Well, those are instantly outdated. No longer do people have to go digging through enormous tomes of coma-inducing prose to find out the flight ratio of the un-laden African swallow. Now all we have to do is log onto your favorite search engine, type “African swallow” and enjoy the many pages of results about African fellatio porno movies. It’s brilliant!
And the beauty is that the Internet doesn’t just give you information about useless things that only your teacher and 26-year-old virgins would appreciate, it also allows you to keep tabs on anybody in the world. Sounds like a win-win situation to me. My favorite part of the Internet is looking up exes.
Oh come on! Everybody does it! Don’t act all high and mighty. Hell, these days it’s common practice to google the name of somebody you’re going out on a date with, just to see what they’re all about. But I’m not talking about getting information for advance planning. I’m talking about keeping tabs on people from your past.
I’m always checking up on people I’ve known and lost touch with for one reason or another. Some people like to call this “stalking.” I prefer the term “Proactive Individual Surveillance, (or P.I.S. for short. I love to P.I.S. on people. It makes the day so much fun!) If I didn’t P.I.S. on people, I’d have never known that my last high school sweetheart is preggers. Or, I’d have never have found out that another ex of mine is a totally hot lesbian now. And that’s important information dammit!
Knowledge is power, (I believe G.I. Joe taught me that, or something similar). That’s why our government and military spend so much time and money on making sure they have the best and most accurate intelligence before doing anything rash…like invading a country to find weapons that don’t exist. (Oops. I’m sure they meant well.)
Internet stalking comes especially in handy when the person you’re “stalking” won’t talk to you. How else are you supposed to insert yourself, unwanted, into their lives? And without the Internet, how are you supposed to know her work address and phone number so that you can show up outside her office at a strategic time with a bouquet of flowers and her name tattooed on your chest to show her your undying love? I’d like to see the Encyclopedia Britannica do that!
There’s a negative stigma (though I’m pretty sure using the word negative is superfluous*) attached to researching people with the help of the World Wide Web. I’m not sure why. After all, that’s basically why sites like Myspace and Facebook are around, isn’t it? Somebody realized that people aren’t so good with closure and moving on with their lives, so they invented “networking sites” that make P.I.S.ing on people that much easier.
I’ll admit. There’s one particular ex girlfriend that I stalk. Our relationship didn’t end well, (or start well, or continue well now that I think about it.) and she refuses to talk to me (some people would take that as a sign wouldn’t they?) I still care about her and much like a demented guardian angel, I like to check into her life every so often to make sure she’s doing well and enjoying herself (I know, I too was shocked when I heard that it’s possible for somebody to live well and enjoy life without my being there! Imagine how sorry I feel for all those people out there who are forced to go their entire lives without the benefit of my company! I shudder to think of it.) Sadly, she never had much of an Internet presence, so all I know about her is where she works. But I like to think that she’s very successful there and is rising through the ranks quickly to a high level of power and responsibility. It makes me feel good to think that she’s running shit (though it also makes me feel bad to think that she was able to pick up the pieces and move on so well after our breakup, I wonder if she ever stalks me?)
Oh, hey look! According to Google maps, there’s a tattoo parlor two blocks from her job. I wonder if I can set up an appointment for today…