Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Captain Road…umm StreetMan? (Sorry, that’s the best my feeble mind could do)

Look on the avenue…
…It’s a motorcycle!
…It’s a scooter!
…No, it’s Captain Road-StreetMan. The superhero who brings awareness of the rules of the road and proper car etiquette!

“That’s right kiddies, it’s me, Captain Road-StreetMan, and I’m here to set you straight on the rules of driving so that when you grow up and get your drivers’ licenses, you won’t end up as greasy smears on the pavement. Or worse, as victims of somebody’s Road Rage.
“You see boys and girls, there are rules for driving, and they are in place because our nation’s roads are full of: a) Immigrants who refuse to learn English or how to drive in America
b) Old people who don’t care if they live or die
c) People who must have bribed the employees at the DMV
d) Women
“And we need protection from all these types of drivers. Especially so people like my friend Joshua won’t feel the urge to give in to his homicidal desires when he drives to work every morning. So let’s go over a few of my rules of the road…umm, street:”

1. Always use your turn signals. Not only does this let other people know how many lanes you plan on drunkenly weaving across, but it also helps you when other people do the same. Because there’s nothing worse than speeding down the road and some jerk who’s too cool to use his turn signal (and going at least 30 mph slower than you) decides that he likes your lane better and cuts you off. Then you have to slam on the brakes and you end up breaking your teeth on the damn steering wheel!

2. Don’t talk on your cell phones while you drive. There are better ways to multitask. Give or get roadhead, flip off other drivers, donate blood, do some smack, but don’t talk on your phone while you drive. While it might seem like it’s not a big deal to talk while driving, leading scientists* have proven (scientifically) that cell phones release certain chemicals in the brain that lowers people’s intelligence quotient by 70 points. This is why you so often hear people having incredibly pointless and sometimes embarrassingly private conversations in very public venues.

3. Don’t drive the speed limit. It’s too slow. Those aren’t limits, they’re suggestions. I would advocate using common sense to figure out how fast to go, but obviously, if drivers in this country had any sort of common sense, I wouldn’t exist. Always drive fast. It helps you get where you want to go quicker and, if you’re in an accident, the high velocity will ensure a quick and painless death, instead of a long, drawn out life full of suffering and immense pain.

4. Use your brakes sparingly. Most accidents occur for one of two reasons, bad judgment when people pull out into the road, or because people use their brakes incorrectly. Don’t be one of those people who steps on the brakes because somebody in the next lane does it. And don’t use your brakes so heavily when making turns. Forward motion works only when you’re moving forward. Don’t be afraid of your vehicles! Sure they’re a few tons of metal, plastic and glass that can go wildly out of control, killing people indiscriminately and causing millions on damage, but they can also be your friends. Remember Herbie the Lovebug, K.I.T.T. and the batmobile.

“Well kiddies, that’s all the time your old friend Captain Road-StreetMan has today. I have to go key a few cars of people who didn’t come to a complete stop at stop signs. Remember chiluns, always obey the rules of the road, because you don’t want me to come to your room in the middle of the night and punch you in the junx! Ta-ta.”

*What’s the opposite of a leading scientist? A following scientist?

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