Sunday, August 19, 2007

Rant Gumbo at Jay's Lounge

Welcome to the "Jay Lounge". It’s a great night to hang out with a bunch of people who are pretending to be your friends. In the house, towards the back, I see we have Professor Beakman, of "Beakman’s World"...(get that man a drink!). On the stage we have Casey & The Sunshine Band, Cree Summer and Lilly Allen warming up to perform together (get them a drink, too!). Oh, look who just walked in....my girl, LoHo aka Lindsey Lohan (please take away her drink!). If you haven't noticed...I will be filling in this week for Joshua, the Barry Bonds of alcohol....who is taking some much needed rest before making an attempt at staggering past "756 beers" consumed during the month of August! What dedication! Folks, in all seriousness. If you haven't noticed...it’s a very special moment for the "Jay Lounge." What is the occasion? Well, it’s the 1st time we have been syndicated on the net, instead of just in my mind. I want to touch on a couple of issues that have bothered me this week. I spend a lot of my time, working hard as hell at work...so it’s nice to take a few moments to write and vent. So by exiting this hesitancy state, I shall present my rant!
Taken Orders:
Pedestrians! The dictionary definition says, "A pedestrian is a person traveling on foot, whether walking or running." Hmmm? Ok, but is this so? In modern times, the term mostly refers to someone walking on a road or footpath, but this seems to not be the case historically. More and more, I'm starting to think we should update this definition in the dictionary. How bout...... strategically moving road targets? Cause, that's what they seem to have become. I was riding in the car with one of my female sidekicks, (to protect her identity....I shall call her "not Ange-LEA Jolie".), when a woman decided to cross the street during a green light. I really never understood it....but it seems as if the pedestrian felt a lil....how can I say? Empowered? Just walking across the street taking her grand ass time. Talking to herself in her head, "Right foot, left foot, right foot? oops!"
Why do most pedestrians feel like they have the right to take their time to cross the street? More importantly, when did they start "mean mugging" people from the crosswalk as they cross the street? In some parts of DC and MD, people have constructed almost a pagan-like shrine to the cross walk gods. It comes complete with its own docking station and brightly orange or yellow colored flags that you are supposed to hold as you enter the crosswalk. This makes no sense, cause now instead of hitting the pedestrian.....the driver him/herself will get hit from behind. Just for slowing down and stopping for some punk ass dressed in the prep look.
I remember the good old days. Back then, as a sexy child, I would rarely cross any of the major roads. I would avoid them, point blank. When I had to....I followed the steps. There are documented certified steps for crossing the street (Exemption for those who live in NYC or some 3rd world country like Nebraska.) Step 1: Approach the crosswalk. Step 2: Look both ways and Step 3: Run across the street, screaming out of breath for your life. Note: You have to be screaming a noticeable pitch. I suggest, Mezzo-Soprano. It travels farther and sounds pretty nice. I used to love those days. Those were the days when people had respect for vehicles. No matter what type of car it was, we all treated each and every car operator with the respect they deserved. That of a seasoned killer.
I think I love Asians? For real, I think I might start hanging with Wesley Snipes. There is never a dull moment. Lets looks at the facts: 1) Tia Carrera- YEA! 2) Ping pong- Yea! (I made money on the DC streets this way.) 3) Vol-tron- Hell Yea! 4) Shoes made at some elementary trade school/factory in Asia, that seems to equal great quality and great prices. 5) Ummm...countless other improvements to the human race. You can insert your favorite here (------). I'm even sure Ihop was a product of the Asian culture, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was. Look, I'm just saying, I can understand why some guys swim the "yellow river." Cause its so sweet baby! You give me Ami Puffy Umi and a Wii....and I’ll show you a happy man. I mean, who can take the sunshine.....and sprinkle it with mod chips? The Candyman, cant....that's all I know.

Last Call: So, hurry up.
You know what I miss? Ok, I do miss Chelsea Clinton, but I really miss the '80s. I find myself wanting more and more shit from that era. I can’t wait to invite a girl over and cook her a meal with the tasty bake oven and top it off with a margarita from the snoopy slushy machine. Sit down and play Mike Tyson's punch out on the Nintendo? Maybe go pogo balling? Super soak her in the shower? Dry her up and let her wear some of my cross colors home? Do you understand where I'm going? I miss saying “rad”. I miss watching Snorks. I miss wearing my BK's around the hood. I miss getting treats from the ice cream man. This was the era when they were legitimate business men.....not shady, razor blade hiding in choc. eclairs, bammas. Where has my innocence gone? Do any of you fools, share my pain? (well, if you never had a Michael Jackson doll, then I don't really know how to relate with you.)
Here's a lil something for all you folks in a relationship. Even tho I'm not dating anyone, (this is mostly due to police involvement and the fact that I haven't found a girl that looks exactly like me.), I seem to posses this ability to help others with the opposite sex. I don't know...I just fell down my steps and woke up with all this knowledge. I will share just a lil bit with the fellas. I just want you guys to take the time to harass your love one. Men, once in a while, grab your girl and tell her you have chocolate syrup! Do you see where I'm going? No? This is why you’re probably single or having issues. Girls love to be harassed once in a while. You need to know the balance. It’s all about the balance. All women love a lil bad boy in a man. A "take no questions" type of guy. A vigilante. A type of man, when asked to do something, responds back like, "No Habla Ingles." These are what they want. These are some simple things you can do to just, to make her feel special...or at least feel like she’s worth at least minimum wage. Grab her ass. They really like that. Maybe even try to put your finger near the exit. You know what I mean, don't be ashamed. But wait, don't go in! Just let her know, you can get a lil nasty. She needs to know that, if needed to, you could eat her like crabs n old bay!
I’ll even share with you something real special. ***THIS IS A JAY EXCLUSIVE*** Maybe even dry hump her for 5 secs when she on the couch. You have to wait till she least expects it. Like coming home from work or leaving out of the shower. Hide behind something and just pounce on her. Take her down like the lions on the Discovery Channel. Dry hump her silly for a few secs, then roll out. Act like nothing happened. (This is my classic move....I have the patent.) Maybe watch her take a shower. Cook her food. (try not to ask her to go out and get you something to eat right after she finishes eating.) I mean, it’s not hard. You could even send her your undies. Yes, this is a great idea. Send it to her work place. They really like this. Just make sure that it is addressed to the right person. Delivering undies to a man can really be an issue. Point is, take the time to show her that she is totally hot and you want to be with her till the end of time...or at least until your done tapping it!
That one was for free. Maybe if Josh doesn't ban me from guesting on his blog in the future, I will give you guys and girls the "Rules for sleeping over" and "Jay’s guide to the woman-verse." If you have any problems or perceptions with dating, let me or Josh know. I'm sure we (meaning I) can get you through it.

Now that the blog is over, I’ll quickly list something for you to watch:
1) Grey’s Anatomy reruns
2) Codemonkeys
3) NY77: The coolest year in hell - This two-part, two-hour documentary tells the story of one of the most astonishing pop culture years in American history. New York City had fallen in decay and chaos.
4) Spaceballs The cartoon
I hope you enjoyed wasting your time reading my "Rant Gumbo." If you blend and stir, stir and blend, I'm sure you will find something you will like........way at the bottom! I hope you enjoy your weekend...and stay out of trouble. When you feeling down....look up, get up and never give up! Now, get the hell out of my establishment! I'm closed.

1 comment:

Karri said...

Hahahahaha...that was great!

I especially liked the:

strategically moving road targets
3) Vol-tron- Hell Yea!
Mike Tyson's punch out on the Nintendo
Super soak her in the shower
and... I miss watching Snorks

Funny stuff, Joshua. I hope more people find this site...it is a good read. ;-)