Sunday, July 29, 2007

FAQ

Questions, questions, everybody has questions. “Josh, what are your thoughts on abortion?” “Joshua, what’s your favorite thing to cook?” “Big Daddy J (sure, why not?) what is the new color this season?” “Josh! In what method should I end my wasted, retched life?” (For the record, it should almost always be suicide by cop.)
I figured it best to address these questions in the forum in which I’m most talented, sadly, I’m a bit rusty in the interpretive dance department, so I decided to just go with writing a bunch of crap, (but you’re all used to that by now aren’t you!)
And we begin.

Q: Joshua, what’s your view on the war on terror?
A: What war on terror? There’s a war going on? Why wasn’t I notified? Are we at least winning? (muted whispering into ear) Oh? Really? That bad eh? (more whispering) to shreds you say! What about our military? (more whispering) To shreds you say! Alright, then my view is this: THIS IS THE GOVERNMENT. THIS ANSWER HAS BEEN CENSORED FOR POTENTIALLY DEMORALIZING THE TROOPS. WE WARNED YOU ABOUT THIS BEFORE. TRY TO VOICE AN OPINION THAT IS NOT CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC OR FULL OF PATRIOTIC ZEAL ONE MORE TIME AND YOU WILL GO ON “THE LIST.”

Q: Which do you prefer, dogs, or cats?
A: I am actually a cat person, as flaming as that may be. I like cats, they’re manipulative, selfish, independent sons of bitches, much like myself. I used to have a cat, until my mother killed it. You think Michael Vick’s dog fights were bad? You have to see cat fights. Now those are brutal.

Q: Do you think that last joke about dog fights was in bad taste?
A: What, too soon?
AA: You insensitive jerk! You wouldn’t make such jokes if you had a dog!
AAA: But I don’t have a dog. I used to have a cat. That’s the point. Next question!

Q: Josh, what makes you so funny?
A: Great question! I’m actually going to address that in an upcoming Eighty-Four Glyde entry. It’ll be a “How To” on being funny. The short answer is that I am not actually funny in the slightest, all of my jokes are stolen, (Carlos Mencia-style) from everything I’ve ever read, watched or observed throughout my entire life. The trick is to have a photographic memory.

Q: Speaking of your last answer, WTF does Eighty-Four Glyde mean?
A: I actually answered that one in my Eighty-Four Glyde one year birthiversity entry. But, for those of you too lazy to go back and read that, (and I’m too much of a douche bag to provide a link, suckers!) then I’ll answer it again. Be warned though, the answer will be a complete lie.
Eighty-Four Glyde is actually taken from hieroglyphics (yo, I actually spelled that right without spell check or anything!) discovered in a cave in New Jersey. Amazingly enough, there was once a thriving, hyper-intelligent race living in Jersey 12,000 years ago. They were so smart that they realized they were living in New Jersey and they left, never to be seen again. Some say they turned into a race of consultants, (think about it, consultants get paid obscene amounts of money without doing anything more than giving their opinions about shit.) Some say they became Scientologists, but I refuse to believe that, because then it would mean they weren’t so smart after all.

Q: What are your thoughts on celebutants?
A: Did you really just use the word “celebutants” in my blog? How offensive. Anyway, I try not to think about them. In fact, rich people in general piss me off. Famous rich people are the most uneducated people I’ve ever seen, (hey, I didn’t even do a joke about Jersey right here, aren’t I nice?) They get away with doing whatever they want, when they want, without any consequences. Reality shows that highlight the plague that is rich/famous rich people have caused me to grit my teeth in anger so much that all I’ve got left are bloody gums. I’m talking about shit like that Mtv show about girls and their sweet 16th birthday. I’m talking about that show about rich kids that had to do a cattle drive. I’m talking about The Simple Life and anything else where we get to see inside the lives of the uber self-obsessed. And you know what? We’re to blame for this garbage being on the air. There’s nothing funny about seeing celebutants being stupid on t.v. You’re stupid for watching it! At the end of the day, you can laugh at how dumb they are all you want, because their stupid asses are laughing at you all the way to the bank.
I’d still bang Paris though.

Alright, that’s all the questions for now, but (being the nice guy that I am) if you readers have any questions you’d like to ask, feel free to ask them in the comments. Honestly, I’ll answer them, and I might not even lie when I do it!

2 comments:

Roscoe's friend said...

What is this magical place I've heard of called "the Hill"?

Joshua said...

The Hill is a wondrous place where dreams come true and imagination becomes reality. It is much like the Matrix, nobody can be told what it is, they have to experience it.