Friday, February 09, 2007

Will work for booze

And still the search continues.

I had no idea how wild the job market was when I left the army. I figured that within weeks I would have been scooped up by some Hollywood director who needed a fresh writer to work on the script for a good black comedy (The Cookout II: Fresh grillz). But no. I had to go out on my own and actually search for a job, and let me tell you, my recent employment history hasn’t been so great.

First I went to work for Cobra Commander as a henchman. Cobra was having a job fair in the area and I decided to see if I could get down. I figured that with my military experience Cobra would certainly benefit from hiring me. And with the bad taste left in my mouth from my two years in Iraq, I certainly wouldn’t mind taking a shot or two at G.I. Joe.

I was with Cobra for about a month, but the benefits package really wasn’t to my liking. Hell, they didn’t even cover dental! That, combined with the fact that all the other Cobra henchmen couldn’t have had worse aim if they tried, (how hard is it to shoot a laser gun anyway?) kind of sealed the deal and I turned in my resignation to Major Blood.

Next I went to work for Willy Wonka. I’m not a big candy fan, (I have a salt tooth, not a sweet tooth) but the ad in the paper made it sound like it’d be really fun and I was willing to work in an environment where all my coworkers only came up to my thighs. (I’d be a god!)

The problem was that the Oompa Loompas never got around to unionizing, which means that old man Wonka ran what turned out to be little more than a sweat shop. Getting to work around chocolate rivers and gumball trees may sound like fun, but after working three 12-hour shifts back-to-back you tend to get sick of sugar really quickly. So I quit.

I applied to the Federation, but when I discovered that they planned to give me a red shirt and stick me under the command of James T. Kirk, I broke out with the quickness.

All these bad jobs were depressing me, so I decided to take a vacation in Europe. My Absinthe-induced drunken wanderings led me to a small burg in northeastern Transylvania. There I met an eccentric and nice old doctor who told me that he needed an assistant in his lab, as his last one was reduced to a stain on the floor by a stray lighting bolt. I decided to help him with his experiments. After all, he’s a doctor; anything he’s working on must obviously be for the benefit of all mankind, right?

After the third mob of angry villagers stormed the castle, intent on destroying the doctor and the “evil abomination unto the Lord that he hath wrought,” (their words, not mine) I decided to seek employment elsewhere. I was tired of having to get stitches for pitchfork wounds in my ass.

I’m not even going to talk about my short stint as a tooth fairy. Let me just say that I never knew that teeth could smell so bad! What do people use to freshen their breath, dead rats covered in manure?

In the end, none of these jobs suited me, so I just came back to my Dojo of Love and decided to take a break. Which is where I’m at now. So, once I finish my breakfast beer I think I’ll hop onto this interweb thing I’ve heard so much about and see if I can’t find a position as an assassin. I don’t have any experience in killing people, but I think that I could pick up the skill pretty quickly. If there aren’t any ads for professional killers then I’ll look for one as a professional ninja. This is a field that has been poised to take off for years now. Think about it. How many times have you been in one of these situations: stuck in traffic, need to get into a locked building or room, trying to evade the authorities, and you thought to yourself, “this would be so much easier if I had a ninja around!”? If you’re like me then you’ve said that a lot. So why not just be a ninja? A little training and a wardrobe of black pajamas is all it takes.

Maybe I’ll start my own door-to-door ninja services. The convenience and reliability of a ninja, backed by the Joshua guarantee: All my ninjas are of the highest quality and I personally promise that they will dispatch whomever you want excised, or your money back!

I’d be a millionaire within a month!

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