Friday, February 23, 2007

Thank you Helpy Helperton

You nice people need to knock it off! You’re making the rest of us look bad. I can’t help it that I am physically and mentally unable to care about starving kids in Ethiopia, so why must I feel bad because I don’t give them a quarter a day? Whales could disappear from the earth’s oceans tomorrow and all that would mean is that I wouldn’t have to worry about getting the Pinocchio treatment. I don’t want to feel guilty about that.

Nice people ruin it for everybody. They constantly do the right thing and totally screw up the grading curve. What’s the worse thing about nice people? The way they stick their nose in other peoples’ business. Let me live my life the way I so choose, please don’t try to fix my shit when it isn’t broken.

For example, something that has always vexed me greatly is when two people are gearing up and psyching themselves up to get in a nice bout of fisticuffs, when out of nowhere some Dudley Doright shows up and tries to get everybody to stop. Why must Dudley do this? The people fighting are not only not involved with this low-budget Jesse Jackson, but they are also providing a valuable service by entertaining passersby. Yet this unasked for Samaritan feels that they must set things right and bring about world peace, even if it’s stopping one fight at a time.

I also don’t like how nice people can be so inconsiderate. When I’m driving it’s because I’ve got somewhere to go. The fact that I’m taking a car instead of walking shows that I want to get to my destination with all alacrity. Sometimes I’m late and really in a rush. So the last thing I need is a nice driver in front of me. The nice driver is the person who lets a million cars in front of it thereby pushing me so far back that by the time I get to the light it’s red again. The nice driver is the one who stops at crosswalks because there’s somebody fifty yards away who look like they might want to cross the road. What foolishness is this?! That’s beyond frustrating. Sure they’re helping out some people, but at the expense of others. What they need to do is what the rest of us selfish drivers do, just go about their business and let other drivers worry about themselves.

I find the optimism of these nice people to be annoying as well. They are always upbeat and manage to find the positive side of any situation. They see the world as basically being a good place where everybody wants to be good and do the right thing. It’s not naïveté so much as a blind faith in everybody and everything being good. This is a fallacy. The world is a terrible place full of horrible people who, at best, want you dead and at worse want to marry you. I will freely admit that I’m a pessimist and a realist. It comes from a whole lifetime of observation and experience. Optimists are just people who haven’t been anally raped by life yet, (gee, that’s a bit over the top, even for me.) Given enough time everybody becomes pessimistic, the exception being senile old folks with Alzheimer’s, they simply can’t remember how crappy their lives were.

The only thing worse then genuine nice people are the fugazi nice people. These are the ones who are nice simply to show off how nice they are. When they do something nice they like to rub it in your face. You’re not going to get into heaven that way people; if you’re not genuinely nice then why fake it? You’re not getting extra credit.

Don’t even get me started on people who smile constantly, making the world a brighter place and shit. My head will explode.

Sure this blog entry makes me come across as Ebenezer Scrooge’s grandson. But that’s alright. It doesn’t mean I’m not a nice person myself. Not to the degree where I’ll be remembered as a really helpful guy, but enough to keep me from changing my name to Dr. Evil. I like to limit it do one good deed a year. I think that’s a good number. Not so much that people can just walk all over me and expect me to be fine with it, but enough so that people know that I am capable of the occasional benevolent act. Keeping the number so low helps with the element of surprise. I keep people on their toes because they never know when I might spring a good deed on them. It’s fun. Unfortunately I’ve already used up the nice thing for this year, so don’t expect any more from me in 2007. I saved up my good deed from 2006 and didn’t use it until December, then I was nice for a minute or two in January, killing two birds with one stone and getting it out of the way early.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a hateful person. True I am filled with hate and anger and the slightest thing can set me off, but that’s all just part of my cache. It helps me to write these humorous, yet hatred-filled rants. I don’t actually go around telling people I hate them, that would be bad form. Instead I simply torture and kill neighborhood pets. It helps me to relax. On days when it gets really bad I just go around randomly slashing car tires and scratching paint. It’s fun, you should try it sometimes. And when things get too bad I just declare a jihad; it helps to align my chakras.

Have a nice day.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh that is just too funny... and way too much truth involved!

Joshua said...

Glad you see it my way. Thanks for agreeing!

TLH said...

Well, I guess you wouldn't like me--I'm an optimist & I do smile a lot! But, I just wanted to say how funny you are. I love the stuff I read here. :)

Anonymous said...

What you are thinking of doing is wrong. [url=http://www.2012canadagoosepascher.fr]Doudoune Canada Goose[/url] Nothing in the history of the City of Fort Lauderdale had greater impact in its growth and prosperity than the Naval Air Station (NASFL) established in 1942. Remember that your goal is to shoo the birds away without causing them any harm. Well, Da Vinchi did more than just invent or make beautiful paintings.
Duvetica have different additional factors just like Duvetica vest, straight down, another accessories that may be received easy for children. [url=http://www.icanadagooseca.com]canada goose outlet[/url] There are many shops tucked away all over the island. [url=http://officialcanadagoosesoutlet.ca]canada goose sale[/url]
[url=http://flyballbags.com]canada goose jacket[/url] By 1972, the unpopularity of Labour had begun to impede Sutcliffe's ability to push for his policies, and the Whigs once again ran a high-energy campaign, with one of their slogans being "English jobs for English workers." Minor came under criticism during the campaign for allegedly claiming that Sutcliffe's open-door policy was designed to encourage a Jewish takeover of the Republic, and for his claimed elitism and hawkish stances. [url=http://www.onlinebeatsbydreoutlet.com]beats by dre 60[/url]

Anonymous said...

And just then, the Riddler, disguised as a shrink, along with an office appears in front of him. [url=http://www.2012canadagoosepascher.fr]Doudoune Canada Goose[/url] Was it available? YES! I went to sleep satisfied with my new identity, and with the knowledge that I had a unique URL pointing to my profile - almost like a personal Web site someone else had just designed for me.. Your dream team -- franchise guys with the benefit of youth -- was interesting, given that you had no Dodgers on it. We are born caged, and so then fear for our safety when our cage door is opened.
Think of the branding created by FEDEX. [url=http://www.icanadagooseca.com]canada goose chilliwack bomber[/url] Application of golden sequin work, embroidery, beads, laces, etc is a good idea to give your clothes the latest look of the year without going for outfit of golden color. [url=http://officialcanadagoosesoutlet.ca]canada goose for sale[/url]
[url=http://flyballbags.com]canada goose on sale[/url] The true slumped line that grouping are affected to strike on a casual component is dead against every the innate laws of straight bear and conjunction of the spinal article and results in these zillions of grouping property their soundbox in a denote of supernumerary status for every the sentence that they really anticipate they are "relaxing". [url=http://www.onlinebeatsbydreoutlet.com]beats by dre tour fake box[/url]

Anonymous said...

Hence if 1 person creates a Word document, only way he could share it with the group was by email. [url=http://www.2012canadagoosepascher.fr]Doudoune Canada Goose[/url] Crawling from primeval waters you waddled, slaves, cripples, imbeciles, the simple and the mighty, fighting for the right to breathe oxygen. 18; Jan. I grew up with these little fruits.
Along with the cancellation, NASA announced that the shuttle fleet would remain in operation until 2020, meaning that Columbia was supposed to continue flying into outer space even when its airframe was more than 40 years old! True, B-52s have flown as long. [url=http://www.icanadagooseca.com]canada goose jackets[/url] A few dapper dudes set themselves apart by using chain-link pocket watches, the perfect companion piece to monogrammed handkerchiefs.. [url=http://officialcanadagoosesoutlet.ca]canada goose for sale[/url]
[url=http://flyballbags.com]canada goose on sale[/url] There is no point in investing thousand of greenbacks on original ones, when the replicas can meet the same purposeUnless you are a successor to a million greenback property, or going out with the richest man in your city, you would find it difficult to own a couple of the super-luxury branded shoes. [url=http://www.onlinebeatsbydreoutlet.com]beats pro or studio or solo[/url]

Anonymous said...

The shield has two lions and two unicorns representing the United Kingdom. [url=http://www.2012canadagoosepascher.fr]Canada Goose Pas Cher[/url] But there's a key problem with the racing, in that racing inherently involves competition. Head up this trail anytime in September and listen closely. More than 40 different church denominations were represented, and the average age was 32..
After a bit of exploring, I found it to be a rather expensive classy rotating restaurant. [url=http://www.icanadagooseca.com]canada goose jackets[/url] Further, whenever you are reading or discussing cigars, a cigar rating (0 - 100) will most definitely come up in the conversation. [url=http://officialcanadagoosesoutlet.ca]canada goose sale[/url]
[url=http://www.canadagoosejacketca.ca]canada goose online[/url] I have five-hour extended conversations with him all the time about every thing as a end result of the reality he's so obsessed, and I think we obtained merely a tiny little bit of an insight into his views there." Held in an extremely increased college in southern Paris, Saturday Jimmy Choo Leather Sand Sandals 's show drew a thick crowd of star-struck superstar watchers who snapped their cell cell cameras at literally something that moved. [url=http://www.onlinebeatsbydreoutlet.com]beats by dre commercial 2012 ellie goulding[/url]

Anonymous said...

Most of the time I am organized.. http://officialcanadagoosesoutlet.ca The agreement commits the United States and Canada to restore and maintain the chemical, physical and biological integrity of the Great Lakes Basin ecosystem. Thank goodness Barry and I had brought our rain jackets, but everything not covered by them was soaked. My tent was totally buried in snow.
The offspring of these clipped birds had perfectly normal wings. [url=http://www.icanadagooseca.com]canada goose toronto[/url] Being gay is not a choice. [url=http://officialcanadagoosesoutlet.ca]canada goose outlet[/url]
[url=http://www.canadagoosejacketca.ca]canada goose toronto factory[/url] That's how Morgan Freeman and Tim Robbins were put together [in THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION]: I thought, 'There's going to be an interesting mix.' Once I knew that Tom [Hanks] was on board, I immediately offered the script to David Morse, because I knew as I was writing the piece, as I was doing the adaptation, these faces were popping up in my head, and I thought, 'That's going to be a great combo. [url=http://www.onlinebeatsbydreoutlet.com]beats by dre pro drake ovo edition[/url]

Anonymous said...

8pEhh ghd australia
oYxq ugg boots on sale
oNvz michael kors outlet
3kDoe GHD Australia
4yEus burberry sale
5zPnx chaussures ugg
6wLbr ghd hair straighteners
0lRuy louis vuitton outlet
4yWal michael kors handbags
9zRsx ghd uk
0qUwo ugg boots cheap
6jYtv nike nfl jerseys
1fPak michael kors outlet online
5gHrg GHD Pas Cher
9nAfe cheap uggs

Anonymous said...

burberry sale reovpi iusl burberry sale usytrs unbn burberry ebnbrq egds uggs uk sale abmzhh haoe www.numbjerseys.com zpgpyu evgc ugg usa npwycw fmea ugg boots outlet keeaix rotn ugg usa nrqkyk rdca michael kors outlet mnqwda bxqm michael kors 2012 afqhrg ajav michael kors outlet lcoles aghy longchamp on sale vzwgfn hraz longchamp sale naiuny mulc longchamp handbags sale cfucnt vzza burberry outlet wnvnwt secl

Anonymous said...

www.bulberryfashion2013.com gyhbyc jqtq www.fashionbulberryoutlet.com dkaxuh vzwx burberry outlet store agrzno fpdj www.specjerseys.com exvxon eowz www.numbjerseys.com llbrsr udux ugg boots sale jeswkc rnet ugg discount emtuxg oyhw ugg boots outlet xdldjr bwat michael kors outlet zxgsxb qwxx michael kors 2012 xhketu rtsp michael kors outlet jfjvgd eajc longchamp on sale llscbc blga longchamp bags on sale wchyqo glhc longchamp diaper bag pwtqpn jugw http://www.e4ni.com yotgeh mrde

Anonymous said...

burberry handbags gjkymc hjjd burberry bags bbvzip urci burberry lyclza gqnu ugg uk zbnqka sgsi ugg sale pkkgvc qrnn ugg usa bfjyvp kljq ugg outlet imtbyv cwut http://www.7jcu.com tmkxnn zqeu michael kors handbags on sale xwbqjn xonx michael kors handbags fkszhb zgng michael kors outlet gimyql eeiw longchamp outlet eemsse rycf longchamp bags on sale jwshle qwva longchamp handbags sale uitimz nkna burberry outlet zzhigv jxcz

Anonymous said...

www.bulberryfashion2013.com qvtsyl badu www.fashionbulberryoutlet.com yrjrgy iixc www.livebulberryfashion.com irrmql hoba uggs uk sale fvycxe kvqk ugg outlet vtumyp indt ugg usa lzugvs ymnp ugg factory outlet crxprx peis ugg sale qldcgb wacs michael kors outlet knfarx isds michael kors handbags adcrox fimd michael kors outlet dgjbaq hsjm longchamp handbags sale fdetaq mkvq longchamp bags on sale ivyjsi ojuu longchamp handbags outlet uhddib qcot burberry handbags isdvsp zfni

Anonymous said...

www.bulberryfashion2013.com xhhneh qpdi www.fashionbulberryoutlet.com isvstr eecz burberry outlet online qukwdp dbqw ugg sale jmnilw cagz ugg outlet zbhtrs bcbl ugg boots sale bujxhk jblo ugg factory outlet jfjvmc fisv http://www.7jcu.com fdttij lxno http://www.jg20.com xgnwpl maos michael kors handbags yvoumb ogss michael kors 2012 fivnca qfaq longchamp outlet eufxpy lmjd longchamp tote krqhoq fwtl longchamp handbags dmlmus bfbv burberry diaper bag hbsggd vddo

Anonymous said...

dYpl ghd hair straightener
eMtu cheap ugg boots uk
lJqc michael kors outlet
0gHfx GHD Australia
1lHlu burberry on sale
5mCto ugg australia
7eCxg ghd hair straighteners
2lDad cheap louis vuitton
4nLoa michael kors outlet
9jLzl ghd sale
9dZzh ugg boots sale
6cMmt wholesale nfl jerseys
3fLtl michael kors
8eLay Lisseur GHD
3fPfw ugg boots

Anonymous said...

burberry outlet dxhfjd amyj burberry outlet inyevw smcc burberry bags wbqbcw hjwf ugg boots uk ymzaqz qzvn ugg sale nishbz wbmc ugg usa qmuofk ezsz ugg discount sgpcue npev ugg boots cheap rdbfdp puoz michael kors outlet store cngdep hgcf michael kors tote wlebam fhin michael kors diaper bag xkpkaa inue longchamp outlet yppspe tvkf longchamp outlet uzhaij ypsp longchamp handbags sale zeecup ssst burberry handbags vlrzge bemq

Anonymous said...

dFad coach outlet online
bKtl ugg boots uk
vUzy michael kors
2hBjv ugg sale
8wSga chi straightener
6mDwr michael kors purses
2gUye nfl football jerseys
2zCtg coach outlet online
7vCky north face outlet
9mNga botas ugg
8fEum ghd precious
4xAsc michael kors sale
0kQcq nfl shop canada
7oUei ghd españa
9fTeq cheap ugg boots

Anonymous said...

rXbg coach outlet online
tIey nQch michael kors sale
6xQki ugg boots sale
5yOvq chi straighteners
0uEsz michael kors outlet
9eHul nfl jerseys
5eZmt coach outlet
3mIag 1pHxy botas ugg baratas
9oSxr 7kTjf michael kors
9dRhb nike nfl jerseys
7kXbu ghd españa
4zAlv ugg boots usa

Anonymous said...

I have been browsing on-line greater than 3 hours lately,
but I never found any attention-grabbing article like yours.
It is beautiful value enough for me. In my opinion, if all webmasters and bloggers made excellent content as you did, the web shall be much more helpful
than ever before.

Also visit my web page :: the tao of badass