Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Cartoon logic at its finest!

I have no life. I freely admit that. And what little life I do have revolves a lot around cartoons. But, after 25 wasted years of life I’ve come up with a few questions, most of them deal with Scooby-Doo, but a lot of them are just Hanna-Barbara related in general.

Why do Scooby-Doo and Astro have the same speech impediment? Wouldn’t they have figured out how to correct speech problems in talking dogs in the future?
What kind of name is Scooby-Doo anyway?
Why doesn’t Srappy-Doo have the same speech impediment?
Speaking of an inability to speak properly, why is Donald Duck the only duck in the Disney universe who has beak issues? I mean, every other frickin duck has no problem enunciating.
And don’t even get me started on Porky Pig. I’ve got no problem with speech impediments, but is there some kind of union rule that all major cartoon studios can’t hire based on handicaps? Why not a cute little paraplegic titmouse? (I just like saying tit) or a raccoon without a paw or something?
Mystery Inc, (Scooby and the gang), do they actually live anywhere? I mean, in every episode you watch they’re always driving to some uncle’s house or something to spend the weekend. Don’t they have jobs, or houses or something like that? How do they even survive? They don’t charge for their mystery solving skills!
Velma: gay?
Peppermint Patty and Marcie: lesbian couple?
How did the entire prehistoric Flintstone society invent advanced shit like dishwashers and showers, but they totally missed the boat on pants? They’ve got ties, so they must have some fashion sense. But no pants? Either they were stupid in some pretty obvious ways or they were a lot freakier than we first realized.
Speaking of pants, why do cartoon animals always wear shirts and gloves, (gloves?) but not pants? Don’t their giblets get cold? I guess not, they seem to all be pretty barren down there, (not that I’m looking at cartoon animal groins, but some things, or lack of things kind of stand out)
Goofy can talk, Pluto can’t. They’re both dogs. Can somebody explain? And why does Mickey have one dog as a best friend and one as a pet? Doesn’t Goofy ever get pissed at how his boy treats a fellow dog?
Who doesn’t wish that their lives had some groovy cartoon sound effects?
Anime? (Not any question in particular just, Anime?)
What’s up when cartoon characters watch cartoons? Does that strike anybody else as weird?
I know this is an obvious one, but Bart as been 10 and in the fourth grade for 17 years now, anybody see a problem with that?
Anybody else think that the Simpsons movie could possibly (and I know this is blasphemy) suck?
Is Gem really excitement? Is she truly outrageous?
This isn’t really a sane thing to say, but I’ve got a thing for the older sister from Lilo & Stitch, is that wrong? (That little pooch she’s got is sexy!)

And there’s dozens more questions where those came from. I didn’t even get to the fact that cartoon characters always wear the same clothes, (except for the kids from Weekenders) sup with that?
Aah! I’m getting a headache. I need to go lie down.

(And everybody, don’t forget my banner contest. Remember, a kick ass banner linking to my blog, will win that creator a very special and super-duper prize, that isn’t at all a cheap t-shirt made by some two-year-old in a Chinese sweatshop located in the bowels of some tenement in the Bronx! God Bless American Capitalism. Anyway, the contest ends November 15th, at which point I will declare the winner and put his or her name out in the public for praise or ridicule, depending on what you think of this blog in the first place. Thanks for your participation and thanks for reading my blog. I write to be funny and I’m glad that you all seem to appreciate it and get the joke.)

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