Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Getting paid, now with the fresh scent of pine!

)Originally written Monday, March 06, 2006)

I'm getting out of the army in about seven months, (unless I get my head blown off first that is.) When that happens (getting out, not getting blown to hell) I'll be back out on the street just like I was five years ago when I first joined, (well I won't be as much out on the streets as I was then, but I won't have a job is the point I'm trying to make.)
I'll have a little money set aside, but I plan on burning through that in Vegas. I figure I'll have enough for one good weekend of gambling and doing massive lines of coke off of a striper's ass. After that I'll be as broke as the rest of my friends.
I know they're broke because every time I'm back home visiting them I have to pay for everything, even though I'm the guest. I've lost count of the amount of "Welcome Home" parties I've had to throw in my own honor!
I can't end up like that, and I can't end up living in my mom's house. It might interfere with my voracious sex life, (once I get one that is.)
So, in preparation, I've decided to come up with some ideas to get money, quickly and with the minimum amount of energy on my part, (I'm notoriously lazy.) I've made these plans as universal as possible, so anybody can do them!

1.Volunteer for science experiments. Around my way is the National Institute of Health. This place could always use volunteers for their experiments. You're paid for your time, and best of all you could develop a super power, (or lose all feeling below your neck. It's an exciting gamble either way.)

2.Get donations. Put on a Santa suit and start ringing a bell. It's not Christmas time you say? Even better, people always feel sorry for the mentally deranged.

3.Start your own dot com company. What will be your concept? Product? What will you be able to offer the rest of the world? That's not important. Get a flashy website, use a lot of words like paradigm shift, proactive, synergize, and other pointless buzzwords of that nature. Then take your company public. Once your stock starts selling at ridiculous prices, get rid of it all, invest in something good like Viagra, and jump ship.

4.Get discovered. Hang out at the trendiest, most pretentious place you can find, (oxygen bars on the west coast, hookah bars on the east). Have a bunch of head shots with you. Put one on the wall when nobody's looking and everybody will already assume you're famous. When a producer, editor or media mogul comes in they'll see you and think nothing but positive thoughts!

5.Write a tell-all blog. It should be about a politician or other famous person. It doesn't have to be true, but it does have to involve sex. The more lurid the better. You could also write about your traumatic time in Iraq, how terrible your quality of life is and how everybody you know is dying. Actually going to Iraq isn't required. Your blog will be picked up faster than the last slice of pizza at a buffet. They might even option it for a movie!

6.Kill somebody. It may sound bad, but nowadays that's the quickest way to a buck. The more sensational the killing, the more book offers you'll get. Just don't kill me.

7.Win the lottery. If this works tell me how you did it.

8.Join the mob. Just don't get killed or else somebody else will make money off your death.

These are all great ideas, if I do say so myself. Just remember who put you up on these dynamite plans when the money starts pouring in. I usually take 15 percent off the top.

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