(Originally written Saturday, January 28, 2006)
It's like this: at the last newspaper I worked for, I had my own movie column. For the first few years I did reviews of movies out in theaters. It's not like I have any film knowledge. I mean, I didn't go to film school, I've never made a movie, (except a cinematic masterpiece called, naturally, The Ninja and the Fairy, when I was still in a single-digit age. It was about the late Dutch-Renasissance art movement in relation to the political and economic reforms at the time) or anything even movie related. I was just a guy with an ego big enough to to think that other people would read whatever the hell I wrote about movies. It was great!
Then I switched the game. After reading the eight millionth "Best Movies Ever made" list, I got an idea. I decided to add to this already belabored topic, my own list. But I added a twist. Instead of the 100 or so best movies ever made, I decided to go with the 100 or so movies everybody should see before they die. The difference was that my list included good movies, (Memento, Stalag 17) and really shitty movies, ("Manos" the Hands of Fate.) The idea being the shitty movies would give viewers a better appreciation of the good movies.
These columns were great, and I really enjoyed doing them. The only problem was that as I'd write these columns, people would recommend all these movies, most of which I didn't feel belonged on the list. And a lot of these movies, I felt, were pretty much overrated. That's when I decided I should do a seperate column of movies I don't really like at all, and people should stop talking about all the time. Plus, people are probably too scared to admit that they might not like a particular popular movie. I was willing to take the hit.
My theory is that people are stupid. People in general, not particulary you, (the reader) specifically, although that could be true too. Hell, what do I know? Anyway, the way I figure it people are either too pretentious, or at least are stupid enough to think that they should like a movie simply because it's pretentious. Or, they like movies that cater to what I call the LCD: Lowest Common Denominator. Movies with nothing jokes about bodily functions, (not that those jokes aren't funny, but they should be administered in small doses. Moderation people, moderation) where the directors never seem to have reached an intelectual level past elementary school.
So, I'm going to use this as an opportunity to talk about some of the movies I think suck ass. Read at your own peril!
The Sixth Sense: Guess what people? The end of the movie just doesn't make sense. I give M. Night Shaymalan credit for trying something new and interesting, but it didn't work. Pay attention to the movie if you don't believe me. A lot of people just thought the end was so cool that they totally ignored all of the evidence in the movie that didn't support the conclusion. It didn't make sense!
Napoleon Dynamite: That's right, I said it! This movie was stupid! What the hell time frame is it supposed to take place in? The main character wears moon boots, but his brother uses the internet. What's that about?! And did anybody notice that every single person in that town was in some way deranged? I know I wouldn't like to live there. I ask people where the hell in Idaho, (or wherever this movie occurs) is there a town like this, with such obvious mental defectives, and nobody knows. But they're quick to dismiss Idaho as being that crazy. I guess it's because I've never met somebody from Idaho. Have you? Perhaps they can help me understand.
Sideways: This movie is too pretentious and too plotless to exist. I refuse to talk about it any further.
American Beauty: I haven't seen this movie on general principle. Back when it came out everybody thought I should see it because it would be right up my alley. And simply because of that, I refused. It was a totally subjective decision. A few years later, I was held down and forced to watch 15 minutes of that film. I did not enjoy the experience. I disliked it so much that I blacked out most of what I saw. All I remember was some kid with a camera videotaping a plastic bag in the wind. He thought it was beautiful, I thought it was garbage.
Scarface: Just because every house you've seen on Cribs owns a copy of this, doesn't mean it's good. Yeah there are good scenes in the movie, (my personal goal is to bury my face in in a mound of coke larger than Vida Guerra's ass, just like Tony) but as a whole, it was severly lacking. If you want to see a real gangster flick, go rent Brother, starring Omar Epps and Beat Takashi. Then you'll see that the cubans have nothing on the Yakuza.
Team America: World Police: Maybe it's just because I'm stuck out here in Iraq, but I stopped thinking that movie was funny after the openning credits, (although the music and puppet sex scene are great!) A whole movie based on shit jokes and gay jokes gets tiring quick. Trey Parker and Matt Stone are the cartoon version of the Farrley Brothers. And the Farrley Brothers need to get out of the movie business with the quickness.
There are others, but I'm too lazy to think of them right now. I'm sure I'll come up with them later. Until then, I'm ready to receive your hateful comments about the movies I chose. Bring it! Because I'm going to totally ignore any email that doesn't further the glorification of my massive ego.