Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Because only a brooding loner knows for sure

(Originally written Thursday, February 02, 2006)

Greetings all. Today, I, Dr. Gustav Otto Olberov Christof von Hubberstein, (or Dr. Gooch for short) imminent and respected doctor of relationshipology, (you never know, it could really exist) will answer questions of love and romance, fictitiously asked by celebrities whose every move is meticulously documented.

Dr. Gooch, about a year and a half ago, I broke up with my wife of four years and became involved with a woman, who was extremely attractive, but also around 15 years younger than myself. But now I’m starting to regret my decision. This new woman doesn’t seem to be playing with a full deck, and she even had the names of her adopted children legally changed to include my last name, and we’re not married yet! What do you think I should do? - Brad P.

Wow Brad, looks like you’ve gotten yourself into what we in the biz call “a dilly of a pickle.” This is actually a common occurrence for guys. What happens is that after being in a serious and committed relationship for a certain amount of time, the man decides to try something different with a new, interesting woman. More often that not, the spice and excitement of this new relationship wears off quicker than it takes for cops to unjustly beat up a black man. Without the old relationship as a basis of comparison, the new one just seems shallow. My suggestion is to have as much vigorous, frantic sex as possible, then get the hell out before the kids start calling you “daddy.”

Yo Doc, I used to be the idol of billions. Just about every hetro guy in the world wanted a piece of me. But then I married a mooch, became pregnant and everybody saw me for the white trash that I am. After I gave birth, I dumped my useless husband and I’m trying to make a comeback. Unfortunately, my career is in shambles and nobody wants to date me because I’m damaged goods. What should I do? – Britney S.

Britney, do the world a favor and suck on the payload of a 9mm pistol. Oh, and don’t call me “Doc.”

Doctr Goooch I wuz famus as a teen popstar. My marrage to unother popstar lead two the creasion of a popular t.v. show that hi-lited my over the top stupidity. Just a litle while ago we divorced and I am nervus beacuse I’ve only had sex with him. R their n e tips that u can give me on pleasing a man? – Jessica S.

I always enjoy this question, (as poorly worded and spelled as it may be) because it shows that women are interested in what it takes to be good in bed. Often, a man’s needs can be easily overlooked during love-making sessions. Here’s my advice:
· Don’t talk during sex. Unless you’re screaming his name or moaning with extreme pleasure, there isn’t a damn thing you could say that he wants to hear.
· Do anything and everything he tell you to do. I cannot stress this enough. You must be willing to try new things and take honest criticism.
· Make sure you take a shower before hand. You’d think this would be obvious, but you’d be surprised. You’re not European are you?
· Remove all body hair. Nothing turns a guy on more than a smooth everything. Nipple hair is most certainly a no-no.
· Let him watch television during the event. Watching t.v. relaxes men and helps them get into the love-making much quicker.
· When you’re both done, give him a high-five. This will let him know he’s done a good job.
· Complete the experience by handing him a beer and something delicious and filling to eat. Sex can take a lot out of a guy.


Dr. Gooch, I am a Latin, somewhat homely-looking singer, named after a character in a Shakespeare play. A few years ago I married a Bronx Rican with the world’s most famous ass. This chick is obviously waaaaay out of my league, and I have no idea why she married me. In fact, everyday, when I wake up I can’t even ponder how lucky I am because I’m so worried she’s going to leave me at any second for a guy more deserving. What should I do? - Marc A.

This is an easy one my friend. You say you’re not attractive, yet you’re a singer? Then the answer is simple: you must be loaded. See, before anything else, a woman judges a man based on how much of his money she can spend on herself. And you must have plenty of money for her to throw around. All you have to do is keep raking in the bucks and she’ll never leave you. Remember, no matter what anybody says, you can buy love, it’s just expensive.
Alright, I’m getting tired of dispensing my knowledge; I’ll take one more question.

Thank you for your time and expertise Dr. Gooch. Here’s my situation: I have a problem. Due to my upbringing and mental issues, I enjoy touching young boys inappropriately. I’ve tried as hard as I can to stop, but it’s just so much fun! Because of this problem I have been forced to leave America and my legion of fans there. I like my new home in the Middle East, but I miss my old ranch. What can I do to go back to America but not raise the ire of law enforcement officials? - Michael J.

Become a mall Santa. Then hundreds of boys will sit on your lap, and you won’t even have to get them drunk first! If that’s not up your alley, you could also be a Catholic Priest. Either way, nobody would raise a fuss.
That’s all the energy I have for questions this time. But I love reading all your letters, so keep sending them and I’ll try to answer them all. Until then, I’m Dr. Gooch and I have a date with my good friend Rosie Palm.

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