(Orginally written Friday, February 03, 2006)
Winter Olympics. Starting soon, aren't they? I guess I should know, but like most Americans I just can't muster the energy to give a damn.
What's the deal on that? Is it because most Americans can't relate to activities such as ski jumping and sweeping ice, as easily as they can with running and jumping? I think so, but nobody's paying me for my opinion, so forget that I said anything.
We need to capture American interest and lure people back to the Winter Olympics. You know what I think would help? If we booby trapped random gold medals to explode. Then people wouldn't be trying so hard to win first place would they?! It would be a race to lose! And those unfortunate enough to win could end up losing a dramatic amount of weight very quickly.
How about getting rid of the current judging process and replacing it with Medieval jousting? Each country's judging representative would have to fight the other judges for dominance. That would be much more interesting.
New sports would have to be a must as well. It's time to get rid of some "sports," and spice others up. For example, we don't need two-man and four-man bobsledding. Let's get rid of the latter, and change the former. We take the bobsled track, and improve it. Yeah, going 60 or 70 miles and hour is kinda cool. But mines and gaps in the track would be even cooler. Remember the coal mine cart chase in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom? Imagine putting that on ice! Sweet jumps, an opponent bobsled trying to knock over the first, dead ends, shit like that; who wouldn't watch?!
Cross-country skiing would have to go. People going along on mostly flat ground and stopping occasionally to rest and shoot things, never made sense to me. On the other hand, cross-country hunting, where people shoot at the participants, would certainly be a crowd pleaser.
Figure skating would need areas of thin ice. The skaters wouldn't be told where those areas are, but the audience would know. Talk about dramatic irony! And don't forget the Judge Jousting for the winner. Try having a scandal out of that!
How about a snowball fight? That would be pretty neat, wouldn't it? Nations would be allowed to make snow forts, (within set guidelines and parameters) and attempt to hit each other with snowballs. I would be like paintball, but…not. Iceballs would result in disqualification.
Another good event would be the winter javelin with icicles. Extra points would be awarded for hitting somebody.
Let's get rid of the hockey portion of hockey, and keep the fights. That's all anybody wants to see anyway. Dudes fighting for no apparent reason? Classic!
An interesting concept would be to take regular summer sports, and put them on ice, just to see what would happen. Weightlifting, the gymnastics floor routine, basketball. The possibilities are endless!
Dwarf tossing. You can't lose with dwarf tossing…on ice!
Just for weirdness sake, I'd keep curling. Just because it's the oddest concept for a sport I've heard in awhile. Who came up with this one?
Guy 1: Hey, I've got an idea! Let's take a skating rink and use it for shuffleboard!
Guy 2: Not a bad idea, but it's been done before. Say, what if we combined shuffleboard with bowling! On ice!
Guy1: Yeah, I like it! But it's missing something. What could it be...?
Nearby janitor: Brooms?
Guy 2: Brooms? I like it! We'll have guys actually sweep the ice in an attempt to influence the direction the shuffleboard/hockey puck thing goes!
Guy 1: Wow, shuffleboard, bowling, ice, brooms; this new game will have it all! And I've got the perfect name for it: Curling!
Guy 2: What does curling have to do with anything?
Guy 1: Nothing!
Guy 2: Perfect!
I'm guessing alcohol was heavily involved.
Speaking of which, we could have winter drinking contests, where people get really drunk and run out in the snow naked. The winner would be the person who stays outside the longest and is still alive with complete bodily function at the end.
Let the games begin.